The Incredible Walking Cancer Machine

A select number of people in my life know this part of my personal history. I don’t keep it a secret, but it’s not something I wear on a sandwich board everywhere I go.

In 1994, at the age of 10, I was diagnosed with AML — an aggressive form of leukemia. 22 years later, I am alive, breathing, and typing this article in remission. You can say it’s a miracle, a gift from God, a marvel of modern science, dumb luck, or a cruel twist of fate. I honestly have considered each to be true at some point in time.

Through the first half or more of these 22 years of post-treatment living, I developed an anxious relationship with my body. When I observe an “off” sensation (something outside the norm of my day-to-day realm of internal sensory experiences), my mind springs to the “I have cancer again” thought-space. To be clear, these are not imagined psychosomatic responses. They are, for the most part, what turn out to be unfamiliar sensations or benign ailments that are not life-threatening.

In the immediate years following my treatment, my parents made many trips to the emergency room with me because I would occasionally feel the same way I felt right before I was diagnosed. My energy levels felt “off.” My eyes would do this weird dizzy bouncing trick with my field of vision. I felt almost as though I was out of my body, observing a foreign invasion of sensations that were signs of doom.

It took a long time to recognize, but this anxiety stems from the belief that I don’t trust my body. I don’t feel safe in my body. My body only speaks through malignant sensation; nothing is benign. My body betrayed me once, it’s only a matter of time before it does again.

Over the last several years, I have learned about this pattern of anxious thought, tracing it from months of dormancy to a sudden emergence like a crippling pimple on an otherwise unblemished teenage face the night of senior prom. And the emotional response is quite similar, though one figurative and the other literal: “I’m going to die!” Then it recedes once more, to the recesses of my preoccupied mind.

It was ultimately impossible to discern what my body was telling me in this way. So, I made the intention to listen to it with less fear. It took time and patience to establish a sense of trust. I found that when my body would take me away from the familiar path, I could follow along while maintaining a calm sense of stability. I know where the main road is, yet I can venture away for a moment knowing that I can find my way back.

Sounds like I’m doing well, right? I have implemented coping skills, I have built trust within myself, and I live with less paralyzing fear. Mostly, this is all true.

Enter mystery sensation #3,968: Thursday, April 14, 2016, approximately 9:45am.

This one is in my neck, specifically the front right side of my throat under my jaw. It came about one morning after teaching an 8am yoga class. In 3 days time, it developed from jaw tension to tension in my throat/neck to a very acute spot along the right side of my throat under my jaw that is extremely tender to touch and feels slightly enlarged or swollen.

My ayurvedically trained mind considers what these sensations are telling me in the map of my body. I narrow it down to lymph accumulation, so I decide to implement a few extra practices to support the proper circulation of the lymph. This provides some relief for the pain and peace of mind that it’s responding to my acts of self-care.

Up to day 5, I have yet to feel even a twinge of fear or anxiety about the mystery of this sensation. I also, though, have purposely avoided typing into Google: “swollen lymph node.”

End of day 5, I give in during a car ride home (my boyfriend at the wheel) and decide to do a “quick little search.” Of course the first thing I read is that swollen lymph nodes can be a sign of leukemia or lymphoma. Sound the alarm! Ring the bells! Batten down the hatches! Away we go!

Of course, I knew this, but reading it made it real. This time, though, it wasn’t anxiety. It was an intense desire to sit with the information before me to contemplate its implications; and it was anger at my insurance company for no longer covering my doctor who specializes in long-term follow-up care for cancer treatment patients. It was like in every dramatic movie from the 90s when the camera zooms in while the background fills out.

As my boyfriend is trying to ask me about driving directions, I respond sharply at him to figure it out himself. After a moment of silence, I curtly share what I’ve read. He reaches across for my hand. Once we park, he speaks sweetly to me, holds me, and collects my tears on his shoulder.

Silently, unblinkingly, and together we hold our shared fear of this unknown in the space between us.

Now on Day 7, I’m living Schrödinger’s Cat scenario. I have yet to see the doctor for tests (I’m not avoiding, just navigating finding a new doctor in-network). So I sit here simultaneously healthy and dying of cancer.

I’m a walking cancer machine. Cancer will always be a part of me. It’s not something that’s magically completed because I’ve been out of treatment for 22 years. It’s simply a facet of myself with which I have deep intimacy, but no guarantee of safety.

We are all walking cancer machines. We could break down any minute with disease. It’s not a pleasant thought, but it’s the truth.

This story doesn’t end with some uplifting hopeful message you’d expect from a “cancer survivor” (more on my issues with that term later). And I’m not sorry about that.

I don’t have an answer. And neither do you, dear reader. None of us do.

OKAY, well maybe one slightly optimistic thought: This time, my body is not my enemy.

Warm Up with Homemade Chai

When the weather becomes cold and windy like the last several days, nothing feels better and more nourishing than a warm cup of chai. If you’ve never made it at home before, you’re in for a treat! Enjoy my favorite basic and deluxe recipes below. You can also download the recipes from this link.

Note: I don’t usually take caffeine, so you’ll notice my first recipe is simply a spiced milk and the second recipe gives you the option to steep a tea.

Basic Homemade Chai

(serves 1)

Ingredients:
1 c whole milk (I recommend SuperNatural or Organic Valley)
1/4 tsp ground cinnamon
1/4 tsp ground ginger
1/4 tsp ground cardamom
pinch of ground clove
raw sugar to taste

Directions:
Over a medium-low flame, warm the milk and spices to a soft boil. Keep it at a simmer for 3 minutes while stirring ocassionally and watching so it doesn’t boil over. After 3 minutes, turn off the heat, pour into your favorite mug, and stir in the sugar. Sip slowly in your favorite seat.

Deluxe Homemade Chai

(serves 2)

Ingredients:
1 c whole milk (I recommend SuperNatural or Organic Valley)
1 c water
1-2 tsp fresh grated ginger root
1 tsp black tea (like darjeeling or assam), optional
1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp ground ginger
1/2 tsp ground cardamom
pinch of ground clove
dash of vanilla extract
raw sugar to taste

Directions:
1. Heat water to boil. Pour one cup of water over fresh grated ginger and black tea (optional). Let steep 3-5 minutes.

2. Over a medium-low flame, warm the milk, spices, and vanilla to a soft boil. Keep it at a simmer for 3 minutes while stirring ocassionally and watching so it doesn’t boil over. After 3 minutes, turn off the heat.

3. Strain the ginger/tea from the water and combine with the spiced milk. Add raw sugar to taste.

Share with a friend or loved one as you sip slowly and take in the beauty of autumn.

Understanding Samana Vayu

Gut feeling. Visceral reaction. Nervous stomach. We tend to give our belly a lot of credit when it comes to “knowing” something. As the yoga tradition teaches, an innate wisdom dwells within the space behind the navel. This wisdom we call agni (fire) and it is the energy of transformation.

But sometimes our relationship to our agni becomes imbalanced. Our fire can become a raging inferno of anger, burning up everything in our path. Alternatively, our fire can be so diminished that the slightest breeze could put it out, and we feel cold inside, lack-luster. Samana vayu is like the control dial for our agni.

What is Samana Vayu?

Samana vayu is a centralizing force of energy (centripetal) that draws from the periphery to the navel in a spiraling action. Its main function is to support digestion physically (food, nutrients), energetically (prana), emotionally and mentally (thoughts and feelings) and spiritually (intuition, inner guidance, wisdom).

Samana is responsible for the churning action in the stomach, keeping your ingested food moving around inside your stomach to be thoroughly coated in gastric acids for proper digestion. It is also responsible for drawing thoughts, emotions and life experiences into the fire of wisdom (agni) for processing. This is how we transform. If we never fully process our psycho-emotional garbage, we are stuck to repeat the same cycle of actions and thoughts wondering why “this always happens to me!”

How do I know there is an imbalance?

An imbalance of samana vayu may manifest as digestive discomfort: either sluggish action where your food just sits in the stomach or excessively quick action where your food moves through you within a matter of hours. (Mainly an issue with agni, but remember, samana is the control dial for agni). Another sign is improper absorption. You might be eating nutrient-rich food, but you may not be digesting it well to assimilate any of those nutrients.

On another level, you may recognize an imbalance if you have difficulty making sense of things in life. If you are unable to process your thoughts and emotional experiences, samana vayu is impaired in some way. Your own resistance also plays a role—who actually wants to sit with their shit? It’s not always fun to acknowledge and understand your thoughts and feelings, but no sutra was written that says yoga should always be fun. (Don’t panic, I’m not saying yoga should always be a tortuous practice either…)

So, here is the beauty of samana vayu and agni: the more you balance agni, the easier it becomes to process, digest and assimilate. Agni gives resilience and makes it easier to burn through some of our less useful attachments.

How does yoga help harmonize Samana Vayu?

This inward moving force (different from Pran vayu [see last week]) effectively gathers your senses and induces a state called pratyahara (sense-withdrawal). This makes it easier to “go inside” in preparation for meditation.

Pranayama

Practice deep diaphragmatic breathing. When you inhale, allow your belly to swell outward; when you exhale gently retract the navel backward toward your spine. Feel the pulse of your breath through the abdomen, taking slow smooth breaths for several minutes.

Asana

Twists, some laterals (side stretches) and belly-down back bends are best friends with samana vayu. Include classic triangle pose, rotated lunge, locust or bow poses, reclining twists and seated twists in your practice to enhance and support the function of samana vayu. (Note: Deep twists are contraindicated for disc herniation; consult an experience teacher for support.)

Bandhas

One of my favorite practices: uddiyana bandha. Uddiyana bandha, sometimes called navel lock or upward flying lock, is a practice of drawing the navel deeply into the body, compressing the internal organs by a gentle suction. To practice, it’s important to first have mastery of deep abdominal breathing (as described above). If you are not familiar with this practice, seek out the support of an experience instructor who can guide you through it. (Or attend my classes these weeks as I’m including in the sequence.) (Note: this practice is contraindicated if you are pregnant, have un-medicated high blood-pressure, recent abdominal surgery or hernia.)

The Right Function of Samana Vayu

You’ll know samana vayu is functioning well when you can digest your food with such ease that you don’t even feel it. You will feel hungry, not “starving”, when you are ready to eat. You will have the capacity to look inward to better understand yourself and learn from your experiences. Your agni will be balanced, giving you a sense of resilience and radiance.

Shine Brightly for All the World to See

As Dr. Vasant Lad writes about agni: “Agni is the expression of Purusha [spirit, soul, consciousness] as concentrated, condensed awareness, which becomes the flame of light, the flame of attention.” This means that agni (fire) is not just a nice poetic representation of spirit, it IS spirit made manifest. Therefore, as we balance agni working with samana vayu, we are balancing and nurturing our inner relationship with the Divine, essence, consciousness—whatever name you may put to it.

Support your inner fire, your inner wisdom, your power of transformation and let your fire light you up, shine bright and ignite the same in everyone you meet!

Understanding Pran Vayu

Have you ever considered the force that makes you breathe? Take a moment to simply watch your breath—observe how the breath moves in and out on its own. Then observe that there is a force which draws the breath in and pushes the breath out. The force that draws the breath in we call Pran Vayu.

What is Pran Vayu?

Pran vayu is inward moving energy that is responsible for taking in food, water, air, and even our sensory impressions. We receive sensational input from the five senses (touch, sight, taste, smell and sound); the peripheral nervous system takes that information to the brain for processing. The force that brings that informationinward is pran vayu.

Pran vayu is also responsible for nourishing the body and mind and for building the subtle essence we call prana. Building prana energizes the body and mind, helping propel you forward in life and action. Harnessing prana is like catching wind in your sails—if there is no wind, there is no power to move or act.

In ayurvedic medicine, pran vayu is also responsible for the communication between the mind and the heart; therefore, the mind and the heart actually are connected. The harmony of these two systems depends on balanced and functioning pran vayu.

How do I know there is an imbalance?

If you have ever reached a point in your day when it just feels like you can’t take any more, you pass a threshold in your ability to take in sensory information, pran vayu is no longer willing to function for you. Our modern lives are so filled with sensory stimulation: in our pockets we carry devices which blink, vibrate and ring at all hours of the day; every cab, gas station and treadmill now has a screen just in case you get bored; if you live in a city, there is usually always light pollution and the ambient sound of cars, trains and people. There is no escaping sensory stimulation.

When we become overstimulated, it’s like a short-circuiting of the nervous system and that’s when we shut down. A healthy, functioning pran vayu gives you the capacity to take in all of that sensation without feeling fried. And when you decide to take in supportive experiences (like breath, whole foods, loving conversation) pran vayu is what brings nourishment and energy to the system.

How does yoga help harmonize Pran Vayu?

Yoga gives us many tools with which we can bring balance to the vayus. For pran, we can focus on building strength and nourishment through the inhalation, allowing the inhale to draw awareness to a deeper space within the heart.

Pranayama

Using your inhale to draw your awareness inward will facilitate the experience of pran vayu. Sense your body as a container and as you bring the breath into the body, you are occupying that internal space of the container. You can even practice a short pause at the top of inhalation, meditating on the experience of absorbing the nourishment of the breath.

Asana

Sun salutations; back bending like warrior 1, bridge, cobra and camel poses; and some lateral postures like triangle pose bring awareness to the heart space and support the action of the inhale breath. When holding the postures, remember to follow the inhalation to the center of the heart.

Taking Rest and Yoga Nidra

To support the right function of pran vayu, sometimes you just need to STOP. As mentioned earlier, overstimulation can actually shut down our function. Taking time to recover and recharge is a useful and necessary component of supporting pran vayu.

The Right Function of Pran Vayu

You’ll know pran is functioning well when you feel nourished and energized. You will have a greater capacity to take in life without feeling overwhelmed and stressed. You will breathe easy. You will begin to resolve any cognitive dissonance between your head and your heart. Your wind will fill your sails to propel you forward with ease.

Gather Yourself and Come Home

The inward action of pran vayu acts like a shepherd, gathering all of you into your Self. There is a positive way to become Self-absorbed: becoming established in union with the highest aspect of you. Pran vayu will lead you to that place deep within that feels like home.

Understanding Udana Vayu

 

Of the 5 Prana Vayus, there is one that is singularly responsible for our sense of growth and expression: Udana Vayu. Consider the sprouting of a seed. The sprout shoots up from the ground toward the sun; this rising action is powered by udana. From there, the plant flowers into the fullness of its self expression, again through the grace of udana vayu.

What is Udana Vayu?

Udana vayu is upward moving energy within the body that is responsible for growth, inspiration, enthusiasm, will and effort, speech and expression; its main site is the throat. Aside from the growth of plants, we can also see udana vayu in full force with children. Their physical growth is clearly seen from month to month. And, if you ever need an example of unbridled enthusiasm, just ask a group of children if they want ice cream!

How do I know there is an imbalance?

When you feel a lack of enthusiasm about life or an inability to properly express yourself in your relationships, there is most likely an imbalance with udana vayu. If you feel stuck in feelings of heaviness, depression or negativity, this is also a sign that udana is not functioning properly.

The vayus become disregulated due to a number of reasons, but it is relatively easy to harmonize them. Remember, the vayus are a subset of Vata dosha, who is made up of air and space. Air and space are easy to move and respond quickly to change, so any adjustment to bring balance shows effects rather immediately.

How does yoga help harmonize Udana Vayu?

Yoga gives us many tools with which we can bring balance to the vayus. For udana, we can focus with a few techniques around its main site: the throat.

Chanting

Making sound (AUM or any other mantra) can be a powerful tool, activating and focusing the force of speech and expression.

Pranayama

Ujjayi breathing is an excellent tool—like chanting. The constriction in the throat with the whispered sound brings attention and energy to the main site of udana.

Asana

Bridge pose, shoulder stand, interlaced fingers bound behind the back and gentle turns/tilts of the head in twists are all effective ways to promote the right function of udana vayu.

Jalandhara Bandha

What you might know as “chin lock” can be useful, when applied correctly. Think of gently holding an egg in the space between your chin and your throat. Notice how thisbrings awareness to the throat and gives a lift to the back of the head, lengthening the spine; it is like clearing the highway of any roadblocks for a direct passage of energy upward.

The Right Function of Udana Vayu

You’ll know udana is functioning well when you can effortlessly speak your truth and express yourself; when you have a sense of enthusiasm and will for life, work and relationships; when you feel a sense of personal growth and change, becoming a better version of you.

A True Lifesaver

Udana vayu is our lifesaver in times of despair. When you feel as though you are drowning in a sea of heaviness, depression or discouragement, udana vayu is there to lift you up. Helping you rise above negativity, udana aligns you with your higher Self and a sense of purpose.

Udana vayu reminds me there is always a way out of darkness. Rise up into the light and shine brightly for who you were born to be!

Gotta-Lotta-Vata: Understanding Vata Dosha

Ayurveda teaches that the fall and early winter seasons are governed by Vata dosha. If you are unfamiliar with dosha-speak, doshas are the three governing forces of nature (and your body); Vata dosha (one of the three) is comprised of the two elements air and ether (space).

To better understand vata dosha, we examine its attributes or qualities: light, dry, mobile, cold, quick, subtle, clear and rough. We can see the effects of vata dosha in the leaves on the ground—they become dry (and crunchy), light (as opposed to heavy), mobile (easily swept up by wind) and rough (no longer smooth, green and lush); the air becomes cold, the wind becomes quick, thoughts and emotions can become more subtle (like anxiety) and the morning air strikes your senses with a rush of clarity.

Vata dosha is like the wind—it can move quickly, erratically, and gives short powerful bursts of energy and then drops out. You may notice in your own energetic state these same patterns.

Take a look at this quiz to understand the extent of your Vata imbalance:

• Do you have rushes of inspiration, but then fall into a slump of exhaustion?
• Are you having difficulty getting to sleep or staying asleep?
• Is your digestion irregular (perhaps feeling very hungry, but after eating feeling heavy and dull)?
• Do you have irregular bowel movements or increased constipation?
• Are you feeling increased fear or anxiety?
• Are you having difficulty making decisions, waffling between choices?
• Are your joints becoming stiff and painful?
• Do you have cold hands and feet/poor circulation?
• Does your mind feel “spacey” and have difficulty focusing?

If you recognize any of these signs and symptoms, it may simply be Vata dosha taking over and creating an imbalance. Thankfully, these are easily managed with some changes to your food, lifestyle and yoga practice.

The 5 Prana Vayus: The 5 “Winds” of Energy

Vata is broken down into five pieces, or the Prana Vayus. A subset of Vata Dosha, the 5 different vayus are the “winds” or directions that prana (energy) moves within the body. They are: downward (apana), upward (udana), inward (pran), centripetal/assimilative (samana) and centrifugal/distributive (vyana). When balancing vata dosha, we want to support each vayu moving in its proper direction.

The next series of blog posts will explore in-depth each vayu and what practices support the balance of that vayu.

“Out Of Place” or “Right Where It Belongs”

As I began my yoga practice this morning, everything felt out of place—my ribs, my collarbones, my tailbone, my neck, my breath—nothing was where it belonged. Vacillating between determined force and defeated frustration, I pushed my body around from pose to pose without much success at moving things into their right place.

Knowing this was not the aim of my practice, I took a moment after sun salutations to watch my breath. My body’s own intelligence began to take over, as if from the inside out things began finding order and organization. My breath rerouted itself and I began to feel steadier, more aligned and less forceful.

I continued.

Moving through some standing postures, I felt a sense of freedom and support with a fullness of breath. It was beautiful. Then, I recognized that familiar presence of force again. I didn’t want to lose what I had found, so my body held on tighter and tighter to keep things in place. Tension replaced support; constriction overtook freedom.

So, what was happening? My mind, obsessing over detailed alignment cues in one moment, drew me into a very narrowly physical experience and deeper into intellect. “I know if I just draw my ribs in and my tailbone down, I will get this…grrr.” My breath, drawing me into a sensational experience, freed me from the grips of my intellect into the embrace of prana, or energetic intelligence.

So, why not just stay in the easy place? The place where things felt organized, fluid, effortless and free? The short answer: my mind. The long answer: my mind.

As the Yoga Sutras impart, the mind is constantly experiencing vritti, or turnings/fluctuations. And thereby it defines yoga as the cessation of the fluctuations of the mind. See, the mind has an ego that doesn’t want to dissolve or be forgotten. How would it know it exists? This is why usually our minds get the best of us, and in a sneaky way that we don’t recognize until it’s too late.

As was clearly shown to me this morning, my mind was subtly taking me out of the intuitive experience of my practice. And with that reflection, I can see the patterns where my mind takes me out of the intuitive experience of my life as well.

To finish, I lied down in shavasana and observed my breath. Knowing my mind needed to be tamed, I guided it through a few techniques that would occupy my attention while guiding me toward freedom. My body finally began to relax, surrendering to gravity in a state of effortlessness.

As I sat up for meditation, I was drawn into a state of presence. Here, my mind was not completely still, but it no longer had the power to draw me out as it had previously. More like an observer, I could see how my mind moved but was not swept away with it.

I sat in stillness, not knowing if everything was where it “belonged”. It didn’t matter. The growing sense of presence provided me with all of the order and organization I needed.

And now I’m here to be in the world—collarbones, ribs, tailbone alike—a mess of chaos, but set with purpose by the grace of intuitive order.

How are you living your life?

I was recently asked, “If you had six months left to live, how would you live your life?” At first, I rolled my eyes at such a cliché and melodramatic question. But as I began my response, I discovered something quite insightful: I would live in a drastically different way.

I feel like there are so many things I hold on to, both physical and ethereal. I don’t want to carry all of that around. I admit, I am not a role model in minimalist living—I have a lot of technology, a car, way too many kitchen gadgets (but I use them!) and a lot of other things “just in case”. But with all of these THINGS, I need space to keep them, money to maintain them, and time to use them. This takes probably more time and energy than I want to spend on material items.

Psychologically, I know I hold on to emotions longer and stronger than is good for me at times. Sometimes, I hold back my thoughts as well. The question now is why? Sometimes it is to protect the feelings of another person. But mostly it is to protect myself from being fully seen. I like to stay in hiding, with just enough attention from time to time. I hide for fear that my deepest darkest parts of myself will go unloved if brought to light.

Which brings me to the apex of how I would live differently: I would be more loving.

This admission feels like a punch in the gut that first takes away the breath and puts the world in slow motion, but then comes relief and clarity. All of this “stuff” to which I feel bound I am choosing to hold. And my choice to hold all of this meaningless shit keeps my proverbial hands full from being able to hold more love for myself and those around me. I am choosing things over love.

So, why would this all change so drastically if I knew I only had 6 months left to live? Well, the truth is you can’t take any of it with you. Not even the thoughts or emotions. So why must I hold onto them today?

I spent a week with an Indian Tantric master a couple months ago. In a brief conversation, I thanked him for sharing his knowledge and experience. He responded, “It is what I do. When people ask, I must give. I don’t desire to hold on to anything; I must give it all away.”

When we hold on, it is motivated by fear. When we let go, it is out of love. I am reminded of a lyric by Jewel, of all people. She sings, “Fill your lives with love and bravery and you shall lead a life uncommon.” It’s true; it will require bravery to live this way, because in many ways it is against the mainstream. But that’s what this world needs—more bravery, more love! I have been living as a coward, hiding from the light of my own love.

I could blame society—with an increasing culture of violence and hate in the name of self-preservation. And while true this has an effect on each of us, we all have the power to overcome this darkness. For the darkness “out there” is only a projection of our own darkness within.

This means we must spend time venturing into the depths of ourselves, through yoga, meditation, contemplation, journaling—whatever practice works best for you. And by confronting all of what is within us, we become brighter. The light of Self-knowledge is eternal, brilliant, and supremely powerful. We must be our own light. We cannot rely on others to be light for us; it is the work of each and every one of us who is born into this world.

As Yogarupa Rod Stryker put it, “Be fearless; and if not, be courageous.”

Getting At the Root with Yoga

I wake up and it’s a beautiful morning. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, I’m feeling great. I go on with my morning and begin interacting with my boyfriend. For no apparent reason to him or myself, we end up in some sort of argument about who left the dishes out the night before or something of equal triviality.

Internally, I observe dissonance. “I was having such a great morning. I was feeling happy, grateful even. Why am I behaving like a miserable person?” I’m going to do yoga.

I get to yoga class and midway through the sequence I feel much better. I leave yoga class and don’t even remember what had been upsetting me earlier. I go on with my day. I offer my apology to my boyfriend, he accepts, and we have a nice evening.

A week later, a similar incident comes up, and the cycle repeats itself. I am bothered by something—I go to yoga class—the problem fades—I am not bothered—the problem reappears—and so on.

At first, it might seem like yoga is doing its thing: helping me release the stress of my problems. However, in this way, it is merely functioning as a pill treating the symptom of a more systemic dysfunction.

The breakdown in this chain of events is my failure to follow-up. I thought I was doing something good by going to yoga to ease the effects of my stress. And in some way, it is good. If the class is led properly, I will experience a calming of my nervous system, a decrease in my blood pressure, clarity and peace of mind, maybe a mild euphoric love for all mankind.

These are all great side-effects of a good asana practice—it’s why so many of us are practicing yoga to begin with. BUT, it’s not enough. That is not the end. In fact, it is just the beginning. When my body and mind are brought into a state of such calm and clarity, that is prime time to then examine the chain of events that led to such turmoil earlier.

The Sanskrit word vichara means “to reason”. It requires I take an objective and honest look at my actions; first to identify a pattern in behavior. Even though I made the observation in my example (“I was having such a great morning. Why am I behaving like a miserable person?”), it didn’t change the behavior. Observing is only one part of this equation.

The second part is to identify the desire that is going unfulfilled, which perpetuates the behavior. This is the part that may not be so easy. It requires patience, compassion, and brutal honesty. You must get to the root of the problem.

You can think of it like gardening. If you have a plot of soil that goes unattended, then weeds will come in and take root. You then have to remove the weeds before you plant the seeds of what you actually want to grow.

If you have ever dealt with weeds, you know you can’t just snip them off at ground level; you must get the whole root. So too, by simply easing my frustration with yoga, I was only snipping off the top of the weed. But by diving into the practice of vichara, I can get the whole root.

Once the soil is weeded, you can plant fruits, vegetables, flowers, etc, which nourish you and provide joy in so many ways. And in the same way once you remove your internal obstacles, you make room to grow other things that nourish your spirit and provide authentic joy.

This is an ongoing practice. Even the best-cultivated gardens will grow weeds. But it takes a vigilant gardener to pull them at first sight. The yogi is like that gardener—attentive, nurturing, but also ready to pull weeds.

Gay, ex-Catholic, and Doing Fine

In response to a blog post entitled Gay, Catholic, and Doing Fine.

Note: My views on Catholicism have come from my own experience and journey. I was raised Catholic, schooled Catholic, and then decided to not live Catholic any longer. I don’t believe its dogma. For the most part as I mention the Church in this post, I am referencing the institution at large and its dogma. I know plenty of good people who continue to shape my life in positive loving ways who are Catholic. Please be mindful of this differentiation as you read on.

When I came out at 19, I faced some of my worst fears and biggest personal challenges at that time. I held an extremely high standard for myself and felt as though I would be letting down several groups of people by admitting and accepting that I am gay. It turns out, it wasn’t as scary as I imagined. (I recognize it is not always as easy for others in the LGBTQ community.)

As the people in my life responded with love and acceptance, I found myself softening and breaking down. I spent years through adolescence and teenagehood building walls within my heart, to hide from others and from my Self. Even though all of the most important people in my life were telling me that they still loved me, accepted me, and wanted me to be happy and healthy, I was in conflict.

The fact of the matter was that I was struggling to love and accept myself. I had already resolved that my intention for coming out was to live an open and healthy lifestyle, not in shame or shadow. I wanted to be able to date openly with other openly gay men. I wanted to have transparency, not to spend my life in gay chatrooms, clubs, and backrooms.

My desire was connected to a part of my Self that wants to experience an intimate connection with another man, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. It’s not that I don’t want intimacy with a woman—just not sexually.

I would argue my previous claim about my struggle to love and accept myself; clearly I had already started to find my self-worth if I sought support to live an open and healthy lifestyle. Rather, my struggle was rooted in my concept of God.

I believed that this aspect of me, my gayness, was supposed to be something to overcome, a challenge of my life given by God “himself”. For as long as I was conscious to the thought that I might be gay, I spent praying that I wouldn’t end up gay. I would beg and plead from the bottom of my heart. I believed that if God truly worked miracles, I could devote my life to him and be healed of this impurity. (Seems that a lot of men before me had this thought; see gay priests, catholic sex scandals, etc.)

Pretty fucked up, right? Well, not for some.

After nearly 10 years and no change, I became exhausted with the plea, with the lies, with the façade. Some more hardcore religious might want to tell me I prayed for the wrong thing. Maybe I should have prayed for strength to accept the cross that is mine to bear for life. Maybe I should have sought therapy to help me work through the challenges of my sinful desires. Maybe I am to learn about God’s love through celibacy.

I struggled to assimilate many conflicting concepts from my 12 years of Catholic schooling. On one hand, we are subject to God’s will; we are each given our own “cross to bear” in life and we cannot do anything but accept it. On the other hand, God has given us free will and the power of discernment to live lives of fulfillment and joy, “to glorify his name”. On one hand, we each have a vocation, or calling, or purpose in this life, that we must find by listening to our hearts; we can celebrate this vocation through the Sacraments (Eucharist, marriage, ordination, confession, etc). On the other hand, if your vocation doesn’t fit within the framework of Catholic dogma, you are stuck back at the first hand (“cross to bear”).

In other words, “Too bad for you.”

Maybe it’s just because I am a bit of a spiritual rebel, but for a God who I am taught is so omnipotent, omnipresent, omni-everything, these teachings depict a God very limited in scope and capacity. I wasn’t content to simply accept these things that I was being told about lifestyle, and particularly relative to homosexuality.

Earlier in my life, I went through cancer treatment for childhood leukemia. During this time, I had some profound spiritual experiences for a 10-year old; hell, even for a 30-year old. My experiences led me to this very real understanding of God being a part of me, within me—not a presiding force above and separate from me. I suppose this taught me from a young age to look within for Truth, that my heart has the answers I seek, because in my heart so is God.

I could not simply accept what the Church was feeding me about my Self. My life experience, my faith, my spirituality guided me beyond. It is the seeking of a larger scope of understanding of what God might be that has continued to this day.

Today, I don’t view being gay as having a cross to bear. That seems to be a rather unhealthy view. My gayness is something for me to celebrate and experience fully. It can bring me joy or pain, freedom or limits. I choose limitless joy through expressing this part of my Self.

You see, I don’t believe that I am born gay to learn what it’s like to be celibate and build a deeper relationship with God. On the contrary, I believe I am here (gay or otherwise) to build a deeper relationship with Self, and the aspects of God that are within me and around me, through my relationships with others. The intimate experience and rewarding challenges of my relationship with my loving and committed boyfriend is a part of that exploration leading to a deeper part of my Self and knowledge of God.

What Steve Gershom presents is pretty much a Gay Catholic Poster-Child response about living out Catholicism as a gay man. If you’re not clear on this, the Church says that being gay is not a choice; a gay person is born gay. However, to act upon how you were created would be sinful. So, the only real choice for a gay Catholic is celibacy. Which is what Steve has chosen. I absolutely respect the journey he is on and I don’t hold judgment of those who choose celibacy as a life-long commitment or a periodic practice.

Steve’s heart could very genuinely be leading him to celibacy as his lifestyle to know God. I am skeptical, though, because he really has no choice, unless he leaves the Church. It is clear from his writings that he is a devout Catholic and his Church is more important to him than his sexuality. I can respect that too. But by defaulting to celibacy, is he denying an essential desire of his heart, which is to share intimate union with another human being that doesn’t come from friendship or ministry? Only he knows.

And perhaps that is the greater point here: ONLY HE KNOWS. The Church doesn’t know. Neither do the priests he visits at confession. Neither do I, or any of you. Only by looking within with pure and objective intent can we truly discover our heart’s desires. Only by looking within can we discern what is right for each of us. It is a practice and process of a lifetime.

When we look at the conversation in the United States about the legality of same-sex marriage, a good question might be, “Who has given the right?” The cliché of “God-given rights” can be thrown around—and in the case of same-sex marriage, it may not always fly with the fundamentalists out there. Yes, I do believe it is my God-given right to love who I love and express my commitment in whatever way I choose, including the same way as many other people do.

But I also believe it is a right that I give myself. I demand more than a civil union. That is not enough, and it is not equal. I believe that I deserve the right to marry based on my own self-worth. I don’t see how I am fundamentally different from anyone else in this world, and it is not up to a church or a government to create separateness based on who I love. It is up to me.

At this point, it may be obvious that my worldview has been influenced by many other sources aside from Catholic dogma. I recognize that a lot of my views are in direct conflict with the Church’s teachings. I know that I will not change how the Catholic Church operates. I also expect that I won’t turn the hearts of many hard-line Catholics, and that we are arguing apples and oranges.

I’m not writing this with the intention of persuading anyone to change her opinion of religion, homosexuality, or marriage. I’m not asking you to drink the koolaid and buy into what I’ve shared about my own beliefs.

I’m asking you to make space for authenticity. Don’t believe what I tell you. Don’t believe what Steve tells you. Don’t believe what the Catholic Church tells you. Be a seeker and seek the Truth for yourself.